Confession

I can’t help who I am any more than I can rearrange the stars in the sky.

I strive to be a good person and that leads me to be broken, beaten and left a mangled, lifeless lump in the corner of the room.

I try to think about myself and put me first I get told I’m selfish, self absorbed and a terrible person.

I’m insecure to the point where it cripples my social interactions with others. I spent 15 agonising minutes torturing myself thinking a friend was just not going to show up for a planned shopping trip (she did, I hasten to add).

I love with my whole heart. And as a result that heart breaks a little bit more every time I’m let down or run around on it lead to believe I’m the cherry on top.

My family and friends mean everything to me. I love them unconditionally and support them with every breathe in my lungs and fibre of my being.

I’m lazy. But I’m trying to change that. I’m overweight and unhealthy. I’m trying to change that too.

I listen to music to purge my soul because it makes me feel alive,

Putting my make up on in the morning means every day I can reflect how I feel on the inside with a few brush strokes on the outside.

This is me. Who I am. I am worthy, kind and good.

Thank you.

Loving You

I’m trying hard to hold myself back,
Don’t need to fall in love again.
But something about you makes me weak,
And I want to dive right in the deep end.

Loving you would be so easy.
Loving you would be like breathing.
Simple and sweet,
All I could ever need.
But it’s always just out of reach.

2 notes

Lyrics for my Schmoo

Got my headphones on,
Listening to all my favourite 90’s songs.
The ones that made me feel alive.

Turn the tunes up real high,
Throw my head back and smile at the sky.
Thankful I’m still here.

Today I’m standing,
Back against the wall,
Ready to push off and begin.
Tomorrow I’ll be walking,
Feet pound the pavement,
I’m ready, I’m here to win.

Thought On Love

For me, the hardest part of a break up is letting go. Letting go of the memories, the good times and bad, the special bond you created with that one person who you’ve loved and who loved you back.
Just because the relationship ended, doesn’t mean the love did. You don’t just stop loving someone. Sometimes when you think you’ve fallen out of love it’s just a case of looking at that person to remind yourself why you fell for them in the first place.
Every relationship has it’s bad times, times when you look at each other and get so mad you want to scream. But weathering through that storm will make you a better, stronger partnership. And the love will keep growing.
Not every day is going to be filled with excitement and electricity, that’s not what life is all about, you’ve got to be wise enough to realise this and remember what’s important.
Moral of the story, if you have this kind of love never let it go. You may not regret it at first but there will come a day when all you can think is ‘shit, what the hell did I do that for?’ And trust me, that day will suck.

2 notes

thelilnan:

I started a Bad Lip Reading thing with Javert gifs

but it’s probably not going to get better than this

image

A ha ha ha ha!!!

99,535 notes

My Star Spangled Banner Tour - Blog from 2007

Hello ladies and jellybeans,

I decided that I would upload my blog from when I went to New York in 2007 for my 21st birthday. It was one of the most fun times of my life and want to share it with all my lovely people. Enjoy!

Hello guys and dolls!

For those in the know, I am in the midst of getting ready for a trip to New York City. Right now (well not right now, but you get the idea), I am in the middle of packing. The taxi to take us to the bus station will be arriving at 22:15ish GMT. The time now is 21:00GMT.

Shit.

Why have I not packed earlier? Well, I think the main reason is because I still can’t quite get my head around the fact that this time tomorrow I am going to be coasting down the Brooklyn Bridge in a big cheesy, white limo! Hell yeah! So I am throwing a few things in a case, knowing full well that I intend to buy it all out there anyways! As long as I have the basics (bra’s, pants, socks etc) I’ll be fine! I also had a nice distraction in the shape of Stu which was cool. Made me smile anyways! Love your accent hunni!

So, tomorrow I’ve got a long wait at Heathrow airport so I may try and find an internet cafe to check in again before the long flight to the US of A.

Until then, over and out sports fans

A-K xxx

·         A-K’s Star Spangled Banner Tour pt.1

It’s roughly 7am. I’ve been sitting in Heathrow Airport since roughly 3.30 this morning. It’s cold, boring and very uncomfortable. I fell asleep on the floor and Dad took a charming picture of me curled up on a pile of coats which I will post on here once I get back along with all of my New York photos.

So I have been awake for 25 hours now and I haven’t eaten for 12. This is not a good way to start Friday morning!!!!

On the bright-side; in just a few hours I will be eating a donut in Times Square! I’m easily pleased (Stu, I bet your glad to hear that!! *mwah*)

Until next time, over and out sports fans

A-K xxx

·         A-K’s Star Spangled Banner Tour Pt. 2 - Arrival, First Day and my 21st Birthday!

Hello guys and dolls!!

I’m here! I made it though all the crappy airport stuff and I’m now in New York City! The flight was good, if very long and tedious. The guy sitting next to me kept burping which was very unpleasant, but I did watch ‘Flushed Away’ which was very funny!

Upon arrival into JFK Airport, we had to go through customs where we were treated to the finest in US guards! His name was Giovanni or something and he was really cute! And he had a gun!! Dear lord.

After customs we went though to baggage claim and then were met by a big ole limo! It was red and had a bottle of bubbly in the back seat (which I couldn’t actually drink!). I tell you, driving through Queens and then up to the Midtown Tunnel is amazing. The sight of the Manhattan skyline really takes your breath away. I had a tear in my eye because it just didn’t look real.

I spent the first night in New York sleeping as I was so tired I felt sick!! Mum and Dad went out for a walk, but I just crashed out. I had been awake for nearly 48 hours after all!! The ‘rents brought me back a slice of pizza and it was huge!!! So nice! But tastes different to English pizza. Was very nice though!

So today is my 21st birthday! I am officially an adult! It is so cool, I woke up and we went out to breakfast at a place called Pigalle’s. I had a ‘Breakfast Croissant’ with scrambled egg mixed with cheese and bacon and was massive! Was sooooooo nice! We then walked around for a bit and looked through loads of jewellery shops which had shedloads of diamonds!

We then decided to go up to the Empire State Building. Oh my god! It is just colossal (noticing a theme here!). We went to the top and looked out over NYC. Was just so amazing it cannot be put into words. Pictures will help, but will in no way do it any justice. I was just blown away (almost literally, it is sooo cold!).

After Empire State Building we made our way to a diner called Pain au Bon which was very nice and then I had my picture taken with two New York Cops! That was brilliant!!!!

Tonight we are going out for dinner at an Irish bar and I will be able to drink in this fabulous city.

As I’ve only got 1 minute left on the clock, I better go.

Until next time, over and out sports fans

A-K xxx

·         A-K’s Star Spangled Banner Tour Pt. 3 - Dinner at Planet Hollywood and Sight-seeing

Hello guys and dolls!

So it is my second full day in New York. I feel considerably better than I did yesterday but my legs feel like they are going to drop off with the cold! Seriously, I knew it was going to be cold here, but nothing can prepare you for how cold it actually is. Last night I was standing in Times Square and I felt like the wind was trying to saw my freakin’ legs off!

Ok, so continuing from yesterday! Last night we went for dinner at Planet Hollywood on Broadway. It was amazing! Huge and full to the brim of movie memorablia (sp?). I saw the dress that Kate Winslet wears in Titanic various other things I can’t even begin to remember! The food was delicious, I had Pineapple Orange Chicken and then a Banana Split for afters. Was divine. I also got a birthday shout out and they recorded a video of me and put it up on the big screen which went out over all of the screens in the restaurant (about 30 in total!). Was fairly embarrassing, but you’re only 21 once, right?

So this morning we got up and went to the diner across the road for breakfast. I have decided that all bets are off diet wise and I will start afresh when I get back to good old Blightly!! For breakfast I had pancakes with bacon and sausage. With maple syrup. It was lurvely! I did have freshly squeezed orange juice with it, so I did get some vitamins.

After breakfast, we came back to the hotel and got all togged up with parka, scarf, hat and gloves and then started walking up W 47th Street, past Avenue of the America’s and on to 5th Avenue. It is sooo long! We walked past Radio City (home of the Rockette’s), past Sak’s and Tiffanys and finally ended up at Central Park. It’s really cool. I bet it looks just gorgeous when it snows.We went to the Zoo and looked at all the animals. There were sea lions, seals, penguins, polar bears, tropical birds, snakes, bats and everything! Some of it was closed though because they are doing renovations.

After the Zoo, we walked around Central Park for a bit and took in the amazing skyline and then started making our way up to the American Museum of Natural History. Whilst we were walking I was just looking around me and I think it finally sunk it that I was in NEW YORK! Dudes, seriously this is the place that I have wanted to visit since I was a little girl watching Sleepless in Seattle and watching Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks meet at the top of the Empire State Building. New York! Where dreams are made, the city that never sleeps, the Big Apple! I’m here, I made it!

Anyway, moving on! The museum was great, not like it it in the film, but still really good. There were so many cool attractions. I watched a really cool film about meteorites and the effect they have on the earth, I saw hundreds of different types of gems and crystals and how the human body works. It was pretty cool! There is a full scale model of a blue whale in the ocean area and my god, it’s HUGE! I’ve never seen such a big mammal!

After the museum we took a taxi ride from Central Park West back to our hotel. Dad and me then went for a wander and I bought a digital camera. A bit random I know, but is very cool! It’s a really good camera as well, and I am looking forward to taking it out for a test ride tomorrow!

So this evening we are just going to go out for dinner at a place called Sbarro’s. It’s a pizza place mainly, but they also do pasta and salad and stuff too. We’re going to have an early night tonight because tomorrow we are going on a tour of downtown. It’s going to be so cool, I cannot wait! I’m looking forward to going on the Staten Island Ferry and on the Night Tour. Manhattan at night is just so beautiful.

So that’s it for today. Until next time, over and out sports fans

A-K xxx

·         A-K’s Star Spangled Banner Tour Pt. 4 - Downtown, Ellis Island and Brooklyn Heights

Hello guys and dolls!

This is going to be a scaled down version of my previos blog as I started writing one earlier but it didn’t save. One is very disappointed and a little angry.

Anyway, time is of the essence so here we go. Yesterday was a very busy day. We took a tour of downtown and saw loads of sights including the Flat Iron Building, Little Italy and Chinatown where we had lunch. Chinatown is amazing because all the street vendors are pretty much selling the same thing so they stand out in the street and try and get you to buy your souveniours (sp?) from their stall. Lunch was lovely, I had Wanton Soup and Sweet and Sour Pork, which I ate with chopsticks, so kudos to me!

After lunch we went on the Ellis Island Ferry. We passed the Statue of Liberty and I got some great shots of Lady Liberty. Ellis Island is just amazing. To think that hundreds of thousands of immigrants went through this place in order to be granted nationalization to America. But it made me think how frightened these people must have been. They were in a foreign country where they probably didn’t speak the language and they had hardly anything. In fact one family didn’t have anything, but they didn’t want anyone to know so they borrowed some suitcases to make it look like they had possessions.

One of the exhibits was a hall of photo’s taken of the old hospital by a man in the 80’s called Christopher Barnes. They were in an exhibition (sp?) called ‘Shadows and Memories’. He visited Ellis Island in the mid-80’s and was overwhelmed by the past they still haunted the hospital. The footsteps, the sound of nurses and doctors trying to cure sick people. The pictures are just phenomenal, they really capture the feel of the building and what kind of terrible things must have happened there.

After the photo’s, I went down to the registry room where thousands of people would wait for their name to be called to find out if they qualified for natioanlization. The room is quite large and overlooks Manhattan Island, which I’m guessing looks a little different today than it did back then! It must have been an amazing sight, coming in from a long journey from a country where you no longer want to be and seeing the Statue of Liberty, holding her torch high like a beacon of hope. The tour guide said that as they pulled round and the Statue came into veiw, people would get up from their seats and just start cheering, to them it meant a new life in a land where opportunities where plentiful.

Coming back to Manhattan was a strange experience. I kept thinking that the people who had been granted nationalization would be in the same position as me now. Standing on a ferry faced with new beginnings. Really made me think and I’m glad that I went over to the Island.

As soon as we had finished the Ellis Island, we got back on the tour bus and headed back uptown where we got on another tour which was the Night Tour. This took us all round Manhattan at night. The city at night just comes alive! There are billboards everywhere and Broadway/Times Square is just like a paradise. So many lights and so much to see, it’s impossible to take it all in. The tour bus was really cold but it was interesting to hear about all the different buildings.

The bus went over the Manhattan Bridge and we stopped in Brooklyn Heights. It was an interesting experience as you hear about how dangerous Brooklyn is at night, yet I felt completely safe. I took loads of pictures of the sights of Manhattan. It just looks so pretty at night. You can see everything. But it is was sooooooooooooo cold standing there! Worth it though, to get the shots I did.

After the tour we went for dinner at TGI Fridays! I had baby back ribs and my god, they were good!!! Huge as well, I wasn’t sure if I could eat them all, but I did and I enjoyed them immensly!

That’s really all I’ve got time for as my money is about to run out on the clock. I will try and update this particular blog at some point because I did soooooo much more than I had a chance to write. Damn technology and not doing what you want it to do!

Until next time, over and out sports fans

A-K xxx

·         A-K’s Star Spangled Banner Tour Pt. 5 - Uptown Tour, MMoA and very achy feet!

Hello guys and dolls,

I am feeling slightly better this afternoon, moodwise. This morning when I wrote my blog I was very cranky because I lost all the good journalistic stuff that I had written and had to post a piece that was written fairly speedily.

Today I have walked sooooooooo far! It is only 17:45 New York time, but I feel like I have walked for 4 days straight. This morning, after breakfast at a Broadway Deli, me and the rents went on a tour of Uptown. It was great! We went all through Harlem and I was shocked at how nice it looked. You hear all the time that Harlem is a ‘slum’ and is really rough. But then again, they say the same about Brooklyn, but I felt fine there.

In Harlem we passed the Apollo Theatre which, until a few weeks ago, James Brown was laid before his burial. James Brown started his career at the Apollo Theatre and it was interesting to see a place that has so much history regarding famous jazz and motown artists. Harlem wasn’t really what I expected. Like I said, you expect it to be full of impoverished families with their cars up on bricks, but it wasn’t like that at all. In fact, we passed the Manhattan School of Music and I said to myself “I can imagine living and studying here”. I took loads of pictures of churches and buildings that I thought looked interesting.

After the Harlem tour, we got off at the Museum of the City of New York. That was very interesting, but just like museums back home. I did almost get run over by a small, Danish guy who was very nice about it though! There were a few really interesting exhibits at the MCNY, including one about black fashion and style. Took loads of pictures of that!

When we got out of the MCNY, I went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art and Mum and Dad went to Grand Central Station. MMoA was amazing! There is a HOUGE Ancient Egyptian exhibit and loads of Medieval Art which I found fascinating, though I understand, not everyone’s cup of tea.

Coming out of the MMoA, I started walking down 5th Avenue and decided to take a detour through Central Park. That was the coolest part of the day so far I think! I really felt like I connected with the City and I felt like it was a place that I would want to live. I have made a pact with myself that I will be living in New York by the time I’m 35, which is actually only 14 years away! Scary thought, he he.

In Central Park, I was accosted by some very cute squirrels (see Stu, I do like squirrels!) and was very tempted to jump on the frozen lake to see if it would hold me. Then I saw a kid throw a stone through it, so decided against this idea.

I then carried on walking down 5th Avenue down to Grand Central Station. It was at this point, that I suspect one of my blisters has burst and now I cannot feel my right foot! Jeez, my feet hurt so much it’s untrue! By the time I got to Grand Central Station, I was in so much agony that I couldn’t even appreciate what a fantastic building it is. I did take a photo though, so that will appease all you hungry photoids (Becki, Tom, Stu, you know who you are!).

As for this evening, well, we are going to see a Broadway show!! We are going to see Avenue Q and I cannot wait, it’s going to be sooooooooooo cool! For anyone who doesn’t know what Avenue Q is, look it up on Google, it’s a hoot.

Anyway, for now I must go. Until next time, over and out sports fans

A-K xxx

·         A-K’s Star Spangled Banner Tour Pt. 6 - Avenue Q, Snowy Valentine’s and Tiffany’s!

Hello guys and dolls!

Today it is the happiest of Valentine’s, in a strange sort of way because, although I am single, I’m in New York City (did I mention that?!) and it is snowing! At the moment it’s not too heavy but the weather people say it’s going to snow more later on. I can’t wait, I want to go back to Central Park and make snow angels!

OK, so picking up from where I left off last night. After writing my blog, I went up to the hotel room and had a little kip because my feet were really sore and after all that walking, I was shattered! Like I said, we were going to the theatre and I didn’t want to fall asleep!

When we left the hotel and 7.30pm, there were a few snow flakes falling down here and there and you could really feel like the temperature had dropped. I mean I was walking around with 2 jumpers, big parka jacket, long scarf wrapped twice round my neck, hat, gloves and earmuffs (zebra print baby!). And I was still shivering. But the Golden Theatre is only a short walk from our hotel, so it wasn’t too bad.

The theatre was actually surprisingly small which I think suited the show better as it would probably get lost on a big stage. Avenue Q was sooooooooo good! I mean, I know I love the soundtrack, but actually seeing it live was something else! The actors who were controlling the puppets were just so amazing and it was choreographed so well. I loved the guy who played Nicky/Trekkie Monster/Bad Idea Bear #1, he was so cool!

Oh, but the guy who played Princeton/Rod was just gorgeous! Tall, dark and handsome! I mean, just look at him;

What a cutie! But I really enjoyed the show, even the rents enjoyed it! The girl who plays Gary Coleman was a hoot! But my favourite part of the whole show, well actually there are two! The first is the scene where Gary Coleman sings ‘You Can Be As Loud As The Hell You Want’ that involves some full on puppet nudity and lots of puppet sex which was hilarious! The second is the song ‘Fantasies Come True’ which involves a big dream sequence between Rod and Nicky. Rod is a closet gay and is in love with Nicky, it’s soo funny! I dare anyone who doesn’t like musicals to go and see this and not come out with a smile on your face!

As for today, I am going to do a bit of shopping. I want to go to Tiffany’s and then maybe buy some shoes. I also want to go an see another show today, I want to see ‘Phantom of the Opera’ as it is one of my favourites!

But for now, I must go! Until next time, over and out sports fans

A-K xxx

·         A-K’s Star Spangled Banner Tour Pt. 7 - The On-going Struggle to Get Home

Hello guys and dolls,

I am writing this blog in the lobby of a very nice hotel called The Comfort Inn in Philadelphia. ‘What happened to New York?’ I hear you cry. Well, as you know I was due to be flying out of JFK Airport on Thursday night. This never happened. Due to weather and adverse conditions our flight got cancelled 20 minutes before we were due to board.

20 minutes! I don’t understand it. There were five flights going out to Heathrow on Thursday night. They cancelled two of them. How can they cancel two of the flights, but still keep the other three? It was a bit too much for me because I was feeling really crappy. I have managed to come down with a cold/chest infection and can’t breath or stop coughing. Have to say, not my best look!

So we spent a good 3 hours trying to find a way to get back to England. Eventually Dad managed to get through to a very nice lady called Beryl who told us that we could get a train to Philadelphia, fly from Philly to Chicago and then on to Heathrow. Bit of a roundabout trip, but I have always wanted to see America!

Philadephia is a very nice part of the country, though I am looking forward to getting back home to my nice comfy bed! I will let everyone know when I am back!

Until next time, over and out sports fans

A-K xxx

Insomnia Ramblings

Hello my little lovelies, I know it’s been a while but I trust you are all well?

I seem to be suffering a wee but of insomnia this evening and I don’t really know why. I’m tired, exhausted even, but just can’t seem to drop off. I blame you. Yes, you. It’s all your fault.

I’m sorry, that was a mean thing to say and totally isn’t true.

So, back to my ramblings. Have you ever sent a text to someone with a joke or reference that you don’t know whether they’ll get or that might offend them? I do this fairly regularly, mainly because I have a warped sense of humour but also because it seems my social skills have deteriorated the last few years.

I don’t know whether this is because I’ve been single for too long and don’t know how to act around people anymore, or whether I was always like this and with the dawn of the technological age it’s just becoming more apparent.

But when you send that text, the wait for a reply is agonising. It seems to take forever. It’s especially worse if you have a messaging system that tells you if the other person had read the message. When you know they’ve read it and they haven’t replied? That, my friends, is when the real head fuckery begins.

Also, there is supposed to be a meteor shower tonight. If I’m still awake at it’s peak I might go and watch it. Does anyone know if it’s going to be visable in Norwich? And are meteor showers the same as shooting stars? ‘Cos I have a couple wishes I’d like to make.

Well, that’s me about done. I’m gonna go state at the ceiling some more and see if counting sheep will work. If not, maybe counting Matthew Gray Gublers or Paget Brewsters will help?

Until next time, over and out sports fans ;o)

AK

1 note

That’s right! ‘Cause I’m a Tribbiani! And this is what we do! I mean we may not be great thinkers or world leaders, we don’t read a lot or run very fast, but damnit! We can eat!
Joey, ‘The One with the Rumor’

Love & Heartbreak

Yeah, there’s not really much I can say on the subject that hasn’t already been said. You’ve got the aching heart, the weepy eyes, the rock in the pit of your stomach. But you’ve also got the joy just knowing that they’re there. It doesn’t matter that a relationship would or wouldn’t work as long as you keep that closeness despite a 400 mile distance.

I still believe we will end up together at some point. We’ve got too much history for us not to, but you’re not ready for that and neither am I. But one day we will. And it will be amazing. Until then I’ll put up with second best as I know it’s only a matter of time until you realise I’m the only one who will ever love you properly. We’re like two odd peas in a beaten up pod.

I love you. Always.

2 notes

Adventures of an Online Dater

First of all I must apologise. I have neglected my Tumblr page of late. It’s not a personal thing, I’ve just been busy with work and dating and the like. What’s that? Dating? Oh yes, I have indeed decided it is time I get myself out there. I am a decent person, I like fun things and I feel like I deserve to be happy in my love life as much as I am in my personal and work life.

So, really we should start from the beginning. I am 26, female, single and bi-sexual. You’d think this would make things easier but oh no. Let me tell you it is not easy. Dating is difficult at the best of times, factor in low self esteem, sexuality confusion, a pretty hectic work life and the fact that Norwich is not the biggest city and you can see where I have had issues.

I have been single for about 6 years after a particularly nasty and traumatic break up and didn’t really meet anyone that I clicked with or that I really wanted to click with. I was perfectly happy being on my own and living in my bubble. Yes, I would get lonely and crave affection and/or intimacy, but I figured that was part of it.

But in the last few months I found myself wanting more and being disatisfied with being on my own. I’m a simple pleasures kind of person, I just want to be loved and have someone to come home to. I don’t think this is too much to ask?

So, what I did (‘cos I is clever) is set up an online dating profile with OK Cupid. I have been chatting to a few people and have even had a couple of dates. I even have a few dates with one person. But that ended fairly badly so I’m going to go into any great detail.

Last night I went out on a date with a guy, let’s call him ‘R’, it seemed to go well. We talked, there were no real lulls in conversation but that spark just wasn’t there. It was all very lovely and we had a decent time, but we just didn’t click. It was a shame, but at least he was honest about it and didn’t string me along, unlike others I could mention.

I’m also meeting a nice chap, we shall call him ‘CK’, on Saturday. I’m not sure whether this is a date or just people meeting to see how they get on. But either way, he seems a nice guy from what I have deduced so far so we shall just see how it goes.

So ladies and jellybeans, I shall keep you informed of my future dating exploits. It’s definitely a release for me!!

Until next time, over and out sports fans ;o)

AK x